Male Infertility-Accept and Adapt
Hi. I’m Shaun. I’m a man. I’m infertile.
That’s not something you hear very often is it? That’s exactly why I’m here.
Struggling with fertility is tough for anyone who experiences it, male or female. It’s an experience like no other, and my wife and I have the scars to prove it - literally. There’s a lot of undue shame and secrecy about infertility in general, but when the complications stem from the male side, that shame and secrecy increases exponentially.
From my own experience, I know just what a lonely place that can be. Over the last few years when I searched for platforms, accounts and groups for male infertility, there were none. There were many for women, which were helpful to a degree, but I wanted to speak to other men in the same situation. Male infertility has been a taboo subject for too long, because men are taught to ‘man up and get on with it’, to suppress their emotions.
It’s because of this that I decided to share my story. Having male voices in the infertility world changes the dynamic for everyone. Women don’t have to feel like they’re carrying the emotional burden. And raising awareness will normalise it to a degree for men – it can help lead to the path of acceptance. It does not make you less of a man. It is a medical condition. It has nothing to do with you as a person. Nothing to do with your status as a man. Once you start processing your thoughts and feelings, it helps rationalise the situation.
My wife and I had been together for 8 years, and happily married for 4, when we started trying to conceive. After having no success, we went to the Doctors to explain our concerns. After initial tests on both of us, it was established that I had Azoospermia – no sperm in my semen. This was most likely due the Mumps that I had post puberty, but I also had a large varicocele.
In 2019 I underwent two operations to try and rectify this and find some sperm – a varicocele embolization, and then a Micro TESE. Unfortunately neither worked, and that’s when the realisation kicked in that I would never be a biological father. Up until then, we’d always clung onto any slither of hope we could find.
The result left me questioning my masculinity, compounded by the fact that I couldn’t find any forums or accounts for other men experiencing the same. I felt alone, and went inward. But I have had a lot of time to consider this question of masculinity – are you still a man if you cannot provide sperm? Of course you are. A journey of infertility gives you a new sense of manliness. Being engaging in your actions, showing up, being there at tough times, being there at tough appointments. The clinics and procedures may be awkward and embarrassing, but by consistently being by your partner’s side - showing strength, compassion, and love - you are being every bit the man she needs you to be.
The journey to acceptance is not a quick one, and people have different mechanisms of dealing with this. Grieving is a major part of the journey. Grieving for the loss of your genetics. It’s a big loss, and one absolutely worth grieving over. You have lost what you would have considered to be the normal route to parenthood – a route that so many others seem to have easily, and take for granted. This is a difficult phase, and it will most likely not pass quickly. And these feelings of grief may well resurface from time to time. It’s important to deal with them when they do. Don’t supress it, as it will not serve you well in the long term – even if it feels good at the time to push the feelings aside.
Once you have grieved, and moved towards a form of acceptance, you can start to look forward. My wife and I decided that we still wanted to raise children, no matter what it took. I knew that I had a lot more to pass onto a child, other than my DNA. My values, my strength, my love, my life experiences.
We elected to use donor sperm, and I am thrilled to say that my wife is pregnant with twins. At the time of writing they are due in just thirteen days (February 2021). We are both so excited to move into the next chapter in our lives, after closing a chapter that seemed to drag on forever.
My message to any men experiencing infertility is that it’s important to not suffer in silence. It’s not your fault. Have a conversation. That’s the first step to understanding and healing. Whether those conversations are with your partner, a friend, a therapist, or someone like myself who may be further along the road having been there – that’s down to what you are most comfortable with.
Just know that there are many ways of making a family – each as special as the next.
~Shaun @Knackered_Knackers
