Dead but not Gone

We will always, always, always wish for their physical touch.

On this particular day, I was looking at TJ’s siblings with pride, yet wishing for his kiss- his embrace- his physical presence.

Just then, his big sister Lena stopped directly in front of a freshly painted wall along one of our favorite Brooklyn streets. “What does that wall say, mommy? And is that an angel?”

“It says, ‘Can I Kiss you now?’” I told her.

I got my kiss with the gentle breeze as I stood there watching over big sis, as an almost 5-year- old, reminiscing on the days of her brother in my belly while she was just a toddler - running past these same walls with a different message: “Dream big.” 

***

Oh, my little soul child- he’s a teacher. Teaching me life does exist past what we can wrap our heads around. We are separated physically, yet he is here with us, in everything.

He’s in the wind that touches my face when the tears fall.

He’s together with me throughout the day.  When I feel the sudden goosebumps, on my left leg.

He’s in the birds that chatter throughout the day, reminding me he’s together with his siblings, just in the non-traditional sense.

He’s a random song lyric or number that catches my eye- sending me gentle winks, saying “Hey mama”.

He’s proudly and creatively captured together with us in our selfies- just like any other “regular family.” 

He’s spoken about with his siblings. 

***

Yes, he is separate from us, but he will always, always, unapologetically be together with us.

I wish I could hold him. Give him a kiss.  Help make sure he’s brushing his teeth. Mother him in the physical world, but I don’t get that chance. So, this is how I parent him.  He’s included together with us.

And no- my hands aren’t full- I am fully aware of my privilege to have three living kids. 

But they will never replace their sibling.

~Domenique Rice