Barren not Broken
My husband Jason and I have been married for almost 20 years this coming April. Our relationship started out 22 years ago as a friendship. I would say that deep friendship has always been, and continues to be, part of what has sustained us over the years and helped shape what we came to call Team Rolf. We dated, got engaged, and were married within 11 months. Our wedding was so fun, filled with dancing, laughter and the best of memories. We headed into our wedding night both virgins, excited and full of dreams for what our life ahead of us would hold. What we did not realize was that the beginning of this beautiful, innocent, hope-filled journey, was going to be marked by harder things than we could have ever imagined. We were going to learn to survive hard things and make intentional choices to cling to hope.
Very early in our relationship, Jason and I talked about kids. We knew we wanted to wait a few years, so I decided to get on birth control when we first got married. It was a decision we immediately regretted. While it made my long and intense cycles (which I had dealt with since the age of 8,YES I said 8!), a bit more regular and manageable, it’s other side effects were more than I wanted to deal with in our first year of marriage. Forty pounds gained, intense emotional effects, and tension in our marriage were sure signs that I knew something had to change. So, I went off birth control and saw all the same old issues with my cycle return. It wasn’t a glamorous or sexy aspect of my femininity. I felt lost in it all.
At this point, we were two years into marriage and living in Michigan. One evening, we had invited our community of friends over for a summer bash. As we were prepping for a fun-filled night, I hit the floor in pain and began bleeding. We found ourselves in the ER. It was the start of what became our confusing, disappointing, and at times devastating journey of chronic health issues and infertility. New words like cyst, tubal pregnancy, endometriosis, PCOS, fibroid tumors, surgery and miscarriage were beginning to be written on the pages of our story.
Over the last eighteen years, I have been to multiple doctors, had lots of tests, and endured horrible treatments. Due to my health issues, we chose not to go down the road of IUI or IVF, knowing that we had to focus on the quality of our life, and my health specifically. We have been marked by painful realities that have shattered the dreams of our hearts. Jason and I have had moments of unwavering faith, isolation wrapped in depression, and hopeless unanswered questions. Unfortunately, as we headed into our 19th year of marriage, we had to ask all the same painful questions, finding our way through unexpected disappointments, and making decisions we wish we never had to face.
May of 2020 right after my 40th birthday, we decided it was time for me to have a hysterectomy. This decision was not one we made lightly. There were dark days of grief leading up to it and a deep sense of sorrow after. With that said it was also a shift in our journey. We were being forced towards a finality we had avoided for years. The decision to choose a life without children is something that will mark us forever, but it does not define us. We have decided that this path is right for us. Team Rolf is ready to leave the disappointing life of infertility and its crashing blows behind us. That choice has put us on a path of new discovery, healing, redefining dreams and reshaping legacy. We are still wading through the grief, learning a new purpose and focus for the future. Jason and I know the future is bright and holds new chapters for us. It holds, new adventures, new hobbies and new milestones. The excitement of a new fresh love for each other and life is what drives us these days.
We still get triggered by other’s well-meaning words, baby shower invites, seeing our friend’s kids become adults and head off to college. Our list of baby names are further back almost lost on the list of notes on our phone, our “saving this for our kids” box is in the attic waiting to be rehomed. Intimacy no longer is based on the question “will this work.” We are embracing conversations that are filled with dreams that do not include the question, “do we want a boy or a girl?.
Our legacy will be defined by the people we love and invest in. It is a beautiful legacy that I would not trade for anything. YES, I said anything. I can’t say I understand why we have faced this hardship, but I will be damned if I let it keep me from being fully who I am, loving deeply, and enjoying the fullness of life. Together we have taken this crazy, unexpected series of life events one conversation, one decision, one regret, one triumph, one fight, one hope, one disappointment, one loss, one miracle, and one dream at a time. Not once have we experienced perfection, but we have discovered that together we are better. Together we heal deeper, fully grieve, hope stronger, see truth clearer, and know adventure sweeter. We are the farthest from perfect, and you will find that out quickly if you stick around the Barren Not Broken community for long. Perfection was thrown out the window long ago, but you will also discover we will DO WHATEVER it takes to win at this thing called marriage. Wins are costly, but worth the price! We have spent MANY hours in counseling and have surrounded ourselves with an amazing community of support, encouragement, and wisdom.
If there is anything that I hope our story conveys is that life can throw curve balls that we never saw coming, landing like a gut punch, knocking us off our feet. There is hope. We can get back on our feet and find fullness of life when we have a community around us that refuses to let us stay down. I hope you can see that we HATE this infertility badge we have had to wear, but it is simply just that, a badge representing our experience. We are not defined by infertility or childlessness, but rather by our faith, community, and sheer love for each other. Never give up on your dreams, and never let the unfulfilled ones keep your heart barren. No matter the barren places in our lives, let's not live broken!
~BonnieRuth Rolf, Barren not Broken
