ABORTION

ABORTION

A medical term that has been hijacked and come to be associated with shame and secrecy.

But it’s really just a medical term.

The word abortion is all over my medical records. The first time I heard it as my official diagnosis I was shocked. “But, I had a miscarriage,” I said. I was devastated. I didn’t abort my baby. I was assured that’s just the medical term - a missed abortion. My official diagnosis so I could undergo a D&C since my body was doing nothing and the fetus had been dead for weeks.

Over the course of 3 years, my record would also include an elected abortion for medical reasons at 22 weeks , 2 more missed abortions with subsequent D&Cs, a spontaneous abortion ( for which I needed a prescription for an abortion pill after bleeding 5 weeks and not clearing all the dead tissue out ).

For so many years I would not refer to any of these losses as an abortion. Miscarriage, loss, death, and when I was feeling my very bravest … a termination.

Even though I did not regret my decision, I slowly came to realize I was carrying around shame. Shame that was not in my own heart but rather placed on me by the messages I had been inundated with my entire life - both implicit and explicit. The classmates who referred to those who had abortions as murderers. The consistent protesting outside of clinics. The way no one ever talked about actually having an abortion - the secrecy surrounding my elected abortion for medical reasons, so I could remain safe. The media always doing news stories on the “selfless” pregnant people who choose to carry their terminal baby as long as they could. They were heroes. I was a secret.

This subconscious shame chipped away at my self-compassion. A little voice told me that I chose this and so didn’t deserve to grieve like others who chose another path. And because I felt this inside - I couldn’t bear to see anyone on the outside confirm they too thought this.

So, I kept my secret guarded.

Until I finally acknowledged it. I worked up the courage to share my entire story.

It took 14 years but I can now say I had an abortion. It’s just a medial term. It’s a necessary option in the world of reproductive health - and without it I’m not sure I would have our 3 living kids.

In sharing, I probably lost sympathy of some. Some are likely judging me.

Yet, I have gained so much more…and the weight of the word is lifted.

~Kristi Hirst