Letter to Omma

It’s been a long time

Did you really mean it

That we’d be better off if we don’t talk at all

A relationship

That was supposed to be

Something that it’s not

A mother

Is different from Omma

But no matter what language

Ours keeps getting cut short

Time and again

You walked into the room after hours of labor

I had just given birth

I thought you’d finally recognize me now

Mother to mother

I have war wounds to prove it

Second degree tearing

It’s almost unbearable to sit up in bed

But breast is best

As the nurse pointedly said

Because motherhood is self-sacrifice

You pause in the doorway

The whole room shifts

Your stomach is … so big

Said in Korean

That wasn’t the worst part

The worst part was the shame

Shame that my stomach splayed out with loose skin that was no longer carrying a baby

Ashamed I caused such a scene simply by existing

All I could do was pull up the blanket

Jam it under a breastfeeding newborn

It fucked up her latch

But who cares

Raw nipples are nothing in comparison

But what Korean mom hasn’t told her daughter she’s fat

It’s part of the deal

No one else will care enough to tell me

Because you love me

Because you care enough

To want me to be something

Other than who I am

A dark hole

I’m swimming but

I don’t even notice

I’m too busy trying to keep a brand new human alive

Diagnosed with postpartum depression

Medical terms don’t matter

My heart is breaking

I can’t slow down

I don’t cry

Because if I do

My heart might break into two

Panic instead

Stay ahead of the pain

Then maybe I won’t have to feel it

The endless cycle

Eat burp sleep diaper

Eat burp sleep diaper

Fixate on checking off the boxes

Good mom

I’ve lost myself

Good

That self was never good enough anyways

I see my husband’s joy

Our baby’s smiles

An outsider looking in

I can’t feel it

Can’t get close to it

Not even when I’m looking into the baby’s face

Breathing in her sweetness

So I watch

An observer of my own life

Intrusive thoughts

Makes me want to stop living

Inside this mind

Inside this body

I try to make it stop

At the bottom of the hole

I look up and decide

This is not how my story will end

A shocking discovery

I am human after all

My heart slows down enough

To hear its own cry

Listen to me

Listen

It shows me the way

Find helpers

Find love

Which is something you can grasp for

Even in pitch black

Baby step by baby step

My infant and I

Grow up together

That tiny baby, now six

Says to me

I think your omma was not nice

Because her omma

Was not nice to her

From the mouth of babes

Truth arise

It’s taken me a long time to realize

A painful lesson

The gift the universe the God the eternal

Offers up

The truth

To learn in this lifetime

I wonder

To release my idea

To see

Who my mother is

Instead of holding onto

Who I wish you were

~Sarah Chang