This is for my Witches
When I hear the knock at the door, my palms begin to sweat, my heart pounds and my stomach does somersaults. Rumours have long gone round that I am a witch, in cahoots with the devil and to blame for crop failure, illness and even death. And now that little Johnny down the lane has not survived his fever, they have come for me…
...or this could have been my fate if I had been born in the 1600s.
Thousands of people, mainly women, were accused of being witches between the 15th and 18th century. Most of these women were over 40 and were brutally tortured and killed for their 'crimes' – a mix of non-crimes viewed through today's eyes – which included ‘looking the part’, having sex outside marriage, being financially independent, living alone, being single, elderly or widowed, or for being childless.
It has struck me that many of these women who lost their lives would have been like me; unable to conceive a child despite wanting it so very much. They may have sought help – herbs and spells from a local cunning woman – to aid conception; I had two years of IVF treatment. They may have miscarried or had stillbirths or, like me, never once become pregnant. They will have experienced my sorrow and pain, but with the added fear of being blamed for local catastrophes and adversities, which would lead to their persecution and even murder. They will have felt shame in the form of being punished by God; I too have felt a great deal of shame that my body failed me and I will never experience the rites of passage of pregnancy, giving birth and becoming a mother. They will have been outcast from society, seen as suspicious and mistrustful, something that, despite our 400 year advantage, is a reputation that unbelievably still follows childless women around today. Maybe not as overtly as in the 1600s but, in our pronatalist culture, not having children is still seen as abnormal, and childless people are subject to discrimination, intrusive questioning, shaming and feelings of isolation and inadequacy. Like my ancestors, I too have felt othered, misunderstood and left out.
Whatever these women's truths were, it was not their fault and nor was it mine. I am childless not by choice. As a childless woman I have to shield myself from a world full of triggers whilst living with the ongoing grief that I do not have a child or the typical family unit. It really stings at times, and I have had to do a lot of work to get myself back on my feet again. And I am not the only one – we are a worldwide sisterhood, childless not by choice for a whole variety of reasons.
Most people believe it was my decision to be childless and I am told that I have made a wise choice, or that I am sensible – having kids is not all it's cracked up to be. Others assume I dislike children which is one of the cruellest assumptions and completely untrue. I am judged to be a career women or selfish by some, both notions false and ridiculous.
So, if you meet one of the childless not by choice community, please show us compassion and do not make assumptions. We each have our own story and we want to be seen but not judged. You were like us once – after all, we all live some of our lives as childless people. We are neither weird nor scary; our lives just turned out differently to yours. We could have been in your position and you in ours. Be gentle with us.
Finally, to my witches past, may you rest in peace. And to my witches present, I see you.
~Lucy
Lucy is childless not by choice after unexplained infertility and several rounds of unsuccessful IVF. She set up The Twenty Percenters interview project to give childless not by choice women around the globe a space to share their stories, thoughts and feelings.
Find out more at www.the20percenters.com and follow on Instagram @thetwentypercenters