The Messy Middle
A version of this story was originally published on the thrIVF blog
Life isn’t filled with perfect stories with happy endings. It’s a journey of messy middles. Highs and lows. And some of the best surprises you never saw coming. And here’s what I know now with more certainty than ever -
You can be in the messy middle and still find peace (and even joy) on this journey.
Our second IVF egg retrieval gave us two perfect PGS embryos and at the end of August, we transferred the higher grade of the two (another little girl) and our two-week wait began. I had a good feeling that this one was going to stick and on the day before our beta, I took a home pregnancy test (I was so nervous my hand was shaking) and the test confirmed my intuition - we were pregnant. Everything was going exactly as it should. Our first and second beta numbers looked great and at our 6-week ultrasound we saw a tiny little baby snuggled in with the most perfect little heart flutter.
But as you know, this journey has no guarantees.
We officially graduated from our RE clinic and I scheduled my first OB appointment and 8-week ultrasound with the doctor that delivered my daughter Mila. I was ecstatic to see my OB again and have her kick off what I thought was going to be another beautiful pregnancy journey. I arrived at my appointment anxious to see our baby girl again. When the doctor walked into the office we celebrated.
“How crazy was it that both of our transfers had stuck?” I told her. It felt like a miracle. And then I realized just how much of a miracle it was.
The doctor pulled up the ultrasound and started staring at it so intensely I knew something was wrong even though she kept assuring me not to worry, she was just trying to get a better view. And then the words that no one wants to hear came. “I can’t find a heartbeat.”
The next 30 minutes were a whirlwind. In those moments as I sat waiting in the room by myself, I found myself turning to God to take care of me and baby girl. Whatever He had in store of us, I was willing to trust in His plan and take comfort in that. Now, I’m not usually one to talk about God, but you can bet as all get out that I believe this universe is SO much bigger than we are. And so even though my heart was scared, I felt peace choosing to trust in Him and the universe’s bigger plan.
I was ushered into another ultrasound room to get a higher resolution image and see if they could find a heartbeat. But deep down I knew good news wasn’t coming.
“I’m so so sorry,” my doctor said as she walked back into the room. We had lost our baby girl.
Before we got to talking about options and next steps, my doctor said something that really stuck with me. “This isn’t your fault.” And without a shadow of a doubt I looked her straight in the eye and said, “I know.”
One of the things I promised myself when we started this journey was that no matter what happened, I wouldn’t make myself wrong for hoping and believing. For talking to Mila about her baby sister. For celebrating this embaby. For dreaming about the nursery and Mila’s big girl room. No matter what happened in this journey, I had full control over that.
Even though we’ll never know exactly what happened. Even though my heart shattered into a million pieces that day. Even though I ate most of my meals with a side of tears that weekend. I know that in the same way we welcomed this little life into our lives, that we’ll continue to honor her long after she’s gone.
As I write this, it’s been seven hours since my manual vacuum aspiration. I expected it to be an emotional day, but it turns out the four days of processing were exactly what I needed to close this chapter and welcome the next. Today wasn’t goodbye. Even though she’s physically gone, that baby girl will forever live in our hearts. And one of the best ways I know to honor her is by telling her story. By sharing the gifts and lessons she gave me in just 8 short weeks of life.
Somedays this journey just sucks. Somedays you have to give yourself grace and permission to cry into your tortilla soup. But it’s also ok (and even necessary) to invite joy into your life especially on the hard days. Hours after we found out we had lost our baby girl, we picked Mila up from school and took her to the pumpkin patch. There were tears, smiles, shrieks of joy, and ice cream. I wasn’t perfectly present in each of those moments, but life isn’t about being perfect. It’s about showing up. Even though it was one of the hardest afternoons of our life, it’s also one of my new favorite memories. What a beautiful blessing that joy and sadness can truly co-exist.
I don’t know what the next chapter of this journey will bring, but you can bet that we’re nowhere near ready to give up. For now, we’re taking this season of waiting as my body resets to let our hearts heal and plan our next steps. And if you’re in the messy middle of a hard season yourself, know this, friend. You are not alone. Let your village carry you with all the love and support you deserve especially on those days where it feels like too much to do on your own. It truly takes a village and you don’t have to do this journey alone. Sending so much love from one gal in the messy middle to another <3
~Michelle Streeter, founder of thrIVF
