Shining Bright

Dear Robin, 

In the fall of 2018, we desperately wanted to try for a second baby, a sibling for Alex. Being Alex’s mom is the best role I could imagine, and I couldn’t wait to be someone else’s mom too. But my health wasn’t the best, so we had to wait. It was very difficult for me. One day I came across a shirt at a children’s consignment store that said, Cool Big Bro and I bought it with so much hope that Alex would wear it soon. 

At the end of December, my doctor said we could start trying. I was so hopeful, but also scared of the feelings I might have if I didn’t get pregnant right away. I tracked my cycle. Finally, the infamous two-week wait was up- on my birthday, no less!   I took a home pregnancy test January 31, 2019. What an amazing birthday present- a faint line, but definitely positive! 

I woke your dad up to share the news. We were just so happy. I loved you already and wondered who you would be. 

At work, my dear friend Laura wished me a happy birthday and I told her about you. She was so happy for me, for us. The day before, she had everyone sign a birthday card. Before she gave it to me, she wrote me a special note on the back, about my birthday surprise. She couldn’t wait to meet you either, already talking about my October baby.

That weekend Alex wore his Cool Big Bro shirt to Grandma and Grandpa’s. When Grandma saw his shirt, she shouted so loudly that she startled Alex, but she quickly hugged him and then spun him around so Grandpa could read it too. They were so happy and excited.

I started to worry when I never had any morning sickness, because I threw up every day with Alex. I tried not to dwell on it.  Each night, while I lay in bed, I would put my hand on my stomach and imagine you.

But on March 8, 2019, you became our angel baby.

After a week of uncertainty, of hoping against hope, of bloodwork and ultrasounds, of knowing the truth but still wishing for a miracle, we lost you. I was utterly shocked to pass your gestational sac intact. I held you in the palm of my hand, the sack no bigger than an egg yolk, your tiny body no longer than the crescent moon of my pinky fingernail. Even though you had died weeks earlier, and even though I was in shock at the time, I am grateful for that moment to hold you. We had so much love for you.  All our hopes and dreams for you, all the joy you brought us… how incredible to think how much you changed our lives, despite your infinitesimal size, despite the brief time you were ours.

I will never not be grieving you and the fact that I didn’t get the chance to watch you grow. I was so excited to see who you would be. And to love you every day of your life.

You taught me just how much I love being a mom. You taught me that even when things are so challenging, being a mom brings me more joy and love than I ever imagined. You taught me I could love Alex even more- something I didn’t know was possible. You taught your Dad and me to love and support each other more deeply. You taught me that I am strong; that even when things feel dark and empty, that hope can exist.

We named you Robin, our little bird who flew away to heaven, so small and precious. Robin means “shining bright”. 

You are our angel, watching us now, shining in our hearts. 

Love Always,

Mommy 

~Celina