Pure Beauty

Darling Kaia Belle,

You began in a bubble of pure love and joy.  Daddy and I were exploring the East Coast of Canada. Thoughts of you were with us as we played on the Magnetic Bridge, jumped and statue-posed like no one was watching at the Hopewell Rocks, sped through the winding Cabot trail feeling so alive, and faced the glory of the enormous mountains of Gross Morne.  The world was ours and ours alone.  We antiqued for items to make our house a home, scored the honeymoon suite in Bonavista and gawked at every lighthouse. Though this was our last couple getaway, we were even more excited that the next trip, you would be with us.

I knew right away that I was pregnant! I felt the hue of happiness engulf me as I vibrated with your light, purity, love and beauty. Because Daddy and I had suffered through two earlier miscarriages, I was very protective of you. You felt different from the others.   From the first days, I sensed your presence. I had a hope with you that ignited my fighting spark.  We were going to make it.

Soon after, I hid some baby clothes in the laundry to let your Daddy know.   I had two outfits with cars printed on them.  Your daddy always said, “No matter what your sex, you would love cars!”  

Your mommy works as a nurse in a Paediatric ICU where we have all the gadgets.   During one ultrasound, my colleagues gathered around as you kicked and sucked your thumb. They knew how much you were wanted.  

At Christmas, there were already gifts for you.  Daddy surprised me with a jogging stroller.  I so looked forward to jogging with you in the spring. Little did I know, these first Christmas gifts and the stroller would not be used.

We were just so overjoyed with hearing your beating heart, we never thought that it might not work properly. As Phillip and I watched the ECHO together, seeing the blood flow in and the blood flow out, you looked healthy to us.  You were moving and sucking your thumb and just being a happy baby doing normal baby things. How could it even be a possibility that a baby so active and so alive would not make it long after being born?

Our world crashed. The doctors said they could perform open heart surgery the second you were born. But, there would be no certainty. Several more surgeries would be necessary in the first month. The doctors had to give us this option; however, they were not pushing for this.  I could see the hurt and uncertainty in their eyes as the words cut into my heart :  “Your daughter’s heart has a very severe defect.”  

I asked the ICU doctors and nurses I worked with for their opinions. I got access to every medical database. I researched for hours looking for a glimmer of hope. I saw a counsellor. I was too familiar with paediatric ICU.  Surgery is one thing, but I knew the other side. After utter despair, came the thought that maybe the doctors were wrong.  Denial can be powerful at a time like this.  If I thought denial could make your heart heal, I was prepared to excel at it.

As I woke up in the hospital bed, there was a light coming into the room, even with the blinds closed. Your light was shining on us that fateful day.  You were so perfect and the feeling of you in my hands was nothing like I had ever experienced in all my life.  You fought for every second of your brief life.  We just couldn’t stand to see you go through life suffering.  

The day after you were born dear Kaia, I had to register your birth because you were born with a heart-beat.  Then, the funeral home called us.  Next, cardiac surgeons from Sick Children’s Hospital contacted us to tell us we missed our appointments. I was livid.  The world goes on in its day-to-day grind and hounds us while heartbroken and vulnerable. Your Daddy and I went to the funeral home together. Something I never thought I would have to do. 

We thought we were in the clear having gone through two previous losses.  We had been through the bad; we can't possibly have more bad.   Family and friends said they were thinking of us and praying for us.  I screamed, “What good does praying about this fix? Pray for what?!” They would say it happened for a reason. (The thing people say when they don't know what to say and truly are trying to be helpful.) WHAT REASON?  

Weeks of tears later, I was still researching helplessly. Phillip took my hand and brought me to the couch. We sat with his laptop as he googled random destinations. We needed to get away. What unfolded was an impromptu trip booked to Africa. Not that Africa would ever replace our loss, but it would give us excitement in our life, excitement again for the future. 

It turns out that it was a time to all be together, the three of us.  A time to bask in Africa's vastness, purity and beauty. Daddy and I decided to jump out of a plane and leap towards the future together just letting go and being purely in the present, something we never thought we would do.  You, dear Kaia, gave us that strength.   As the sun beamed on us, we knew it was you saying hello and telling us you are okay.   After the jump, the sun covered. It was time to live again. 

As I run the marathon today, April 30, in honour of your birthday, I reflect and think about you.  I am pregnant now and everything is going to be okay.  Your sibling’s due date is December 21st.  

I want you to see the parents we are and could have been to you. Please be with us in this time and please be the best sister looking over your siblings.  We could use a good guardian angel.

Your loving family,

~Carmen, Phillip, Case & Maelie Grover

With your newest angel brother, Jude, by your side, sending light to us all

In memory of Kaia Belle.  Her heart beats on in us always.