Pregnancy after Loss is…

March is pregnancy after loss awareness month.

Pregnancy after loss has been one of the hardest things I have ever done.

It's feeling so guilty to be pregnant and thinking about a new life when you are grieving.

It's feeling guilty that you are crying because you miss your baby so much when you're pregnant with a new child.

It's being terrified of losing another child.

It's being triggered by your own body again.

It's feeling numb during ultrasounds because you know nothing is a guarantee.

It's not celebrating the normal milestones in pregnancy because your baby died after those milestones.

It's celebrating your own milestones.

It's feeling extremely anxious before doctor appointments because that's when you got bad news.

It's going back to all the places where you received devastating news without falling apart.

It's always answering people asking if it's your first with "this is my second" followed by "our daughter died" when they ask you how old your first child is.

It's feeling reassured after appointment for a much shorter time than you ever imagined.

It's being terrified to buy anything, because the pain of putting away unused baby items was too intense.

It's reminding yourself every day that you are pregnant until told otherwise.

It's being so grateful to be pregnant and having everything go well.

It's talking to your baby about his big sister, while asking your first baby to watch over little brother.

It's learning to accept that happiness and sadness can coexist.

It's loving a new baby so much it is terrifying.

It's learning to believe that maybe things can go well.

It's carrying one baby in your heart and the other in your womb.

~Marie Laure Firebaugh@sheisntataboo