Childless Narrative
In the 1950s psychologist Solomon Asch conducted various experiments testing the power of social pressure on individuals. In one experiment participants were asked to determine the longest line out of a display of three lines with of various lengths. The group consisted of one participant who believed this was the test and the remainder of the group were told to purposely give a wrong answer. Asch wanted to see how the unknowing participant reacted when challenged by their peers, even when they were making the right choice. The results showed that 75% of the time the individual would cite the wrong answer as to not be left out. This type of experiment has been repeated many times since and a version even appeared on the tv show Candid Camera. The conclusion stated that “…conformity can be influenced both by a need to fit in and a belief that other people are smarter or better informed.”
I can’t help but wonder how much of our own decision making is due to wanting to fit in, or a belief that others know better than ourselves, and how much is truly directed by our own wants and needs in life. Without knowing what the future holds for us, the uncertainty can be scarier than the struggles of being a parent. There are so many around all of us speaking about the joy of motherhood, so many displays in the media and news of incredible experiences being a parent and yet where are these stories about the women without children? If we had more representation of happy childless women, if we were no longer the ‘odd ones out’ when we chose a path other than parenthood, would we feel more confident moving forward without children? Maybe the mindset wouldn’t be one of regret or fear but instead confidence in knowing that this path can be the right one for us, whether that be by choice or by chance.
There are very few, if any, positive childless role models for young girls. In movies and television we either see mothers, women who desire to be a mother or women who don’t have children but end up changing their minds by the conclusion, maybe once they meet the right man. We can see this clearly displayed in the season finale of The Big Bang Theory. Penny, more than once during the series, expressed her desire to remain without children and yet the season finale ends with her getting pregnant. The shows executives saying “they wanted to honour the relationship between Penny and Leonard” and that somehow demanded a pregnancy much to the contradiction of the characters desires. This is also visible in other media such as Katniss in The Hunger Games, Bernadette and Howard in The Big Bang Theory, Andy and April from Parks and Recreation and Temperance Brennan from Bones. These shows, these strong female role models who have their roots so deeply planted in a childless future are so easily swayed by a man or by love. This narrative that if we only meet the right person, or only find the perfect circumstances, further perpetuates the idea that partner or circumstance is the missing piece of the puzzle.
When we look on the opposite side of things, the characters who end up remaining childless, we have just as sparse a selection of role models. Drunks and child haters plastered across our screens, our inevitable fate as it were. Although the characters are ‘loveable’, they don’t display a satisfied, happy, childless person. Samantha from Sex and the City who “fills the void with sex”, Elaine from Seinfeld, a selfish example of the childless woman, Karen Walker from Will and Grace who spends more time finding the bottom of a bottle than anything else and Jennifer Barkley who outright states she hates children. These are our role models, these are the people the media displays as our future. How do we hope to gain acceptance of the choice to remain childless if the women being displayed on screen are women we don’t even aspire to be?
If we turn our gaze to the real world we see another harmful narrative being spun by the media and perpetuated by society; childlessness is new and its simply because our generations are selfish and self absorbed. Loud voices such as the Pope’s scream into the world that those who choose pets over children “diminishes us, takes away our humanity.” J.D. Vance stated “We should worry that in America, family formation, our birth rates, a ton of indicators of family health have collapsed” and often refers to “the childless left.” A few days after this quote, Fox News hosted a segment titled “Leftists Hate You and Your Baby.” Not surprisingly, this idea that childlessness is a new trend is one of the fundamental flaws in the negative connotations towards the childless and childfree.
As early as the 1500’s we’ve seen evidence of women postponing marriage and parenthood until they were into their 20s. Later, in the 1900’s, approximately 1 in 5 American women never had children. Whether these women were living independently or suffering from infertility, we can see that pursuing a life without children could’ve been a choice for some. Fast forward to the 1970’s and with the accessibility of birth control more women chose to voluntarily opt out of motherhood. As women gained more freedom and rights so too did they decide to do what was best for themselves, saying no to motherhood being top of the list. When we speak of childfree or childless women we can often forget that it was only recently that the choice was even available to us. Of course the number of women without children would be lower 100 years ago, we weren’t even legally allowed to own property, have our own bank account or even vote. Controversially, a 1974 episode of ‘All in the Family’, Gloria stated “Ma, I believe a woman is meant to be a person first and then maybe a mother. I don’t need to give birth to a baby to make me feel useful!” It seems our previous generations had much of the same sentiment as us.
Infertility poses another challenge to this narrative. As mentioned above, we don’t know how many of these women didn’t want children or how many couldn’t have children. As medicine advanced we gained the knowledge and capabilities to deal with infertility in new miraculous ways. Low motility, PCOS, and endometriosis are no longer “excuses” to not have a baby. Don’t get me wrong, I love that women have more paths than ever to fulfill those dreams of parenthood if that’s what they desire, where we run into problems is the casual nature revolved around these decisions. Others won’t hesitate to pressure you into spending your life savings on that baby dream, even if you aren’t comfortable with it. Tens of thousands of dollars, medication, emotional and physical stress, and after all that you might still leave with empty arms. The message that there’s no barrier to big or too small for modern medicine can make you feel guilty for not ‘trying harder’ or ‘giving up’.
It’s curious that although we have many childless/childfree icons the narrative is still so negative. When Betty White passed away in 2021 the entire world mourned her loss, she was the sassy grandma you wished you had and a revolutionary world changer. When asked about not having children she was quoted saying “No, I’ve never regretted it, I’m so compulsive about stuff, I know if I had ever gotten pregnant, of course, that would have been my whole focus. But I didn’t choose to have children because I’m focused on my career. And I just don’t think as compulsive as I am that I could manage both.” Over the years I don’t doubt that she had her fair share of push back, but at 90 years of age she confidently sat in her choice with no regrets. Gloria Steinem, the worlds most famous feminist, also never had children. In an interview on the How to Fail podcast she was quoted saying “I just discovered that I was happy as I am. So I think I was in a more privileged position in a way, definitely more than you were because I didn’t have an unfulfilled wish, I just discovered I was OK with the way I was living.” At 86 years she too was never regretful of her decision to remain without children. But still it seems no matter how many speak out, no matter how many say in their golden years that the choice was never one of regret, we still get shamed and blamed for not doing everything we possibly can to become mothers.
I’ve brought this problem but I can’t say I have a one size fits all answer. I know we need to have more positive portrayals of childfree and childless people living a life without regret. I know we need people to continue speaking up about how their lives are meaningful and happy regardless of their state as parent. I know we need to stop treating childless/childfree as selfish just because they haven’t sacrificed for a child. I don’t know what the ultimate solution is, but I know this is a pretty good place to start.
~Tiffany J Marie
