But Can You Still Have More Kids?

But can you still have more kids?

A question I would often get as I was healing from my traumatic birth. Every time felt like rubbing salt in a very fresh wound. 

I had barely made it home with my baby before the guilt of potentially not being able to carry another successful pregnancy set in.

I was being torn in two directions, gratitude for the baby I held in my arms and grief for the future babies would never hold.

Three years have since passed; the question lingers as my girlfriends all welcome their second. I greet the news with genuine joy and still there is a tinge of jealousy as my OB’s warning rings like sirens in my ears “the longer you put it off the better.” Is she just trying to soften the blow?

My daughter, my remarkable, resilient warrior, twirls in her pretty pink dress wearing an upside-down crown and calls out “mommy, mommy look at me.” Jolting me into the present moment. Her face lights up when our eyes meet. I’m grounded. We both are here; we have made it through the valley and are right now where we are supposed to be. I feel it deep within every fiber of my being. So, I etch the feeling into my heart because I know we are so easily distracted and prone to forget. 

We are here, now. This is the moment worth living for. 

The questions don’t stop. The wondering “what ifs” occasionally intrude my thoughts, but they are few and far between. Maybe I’m learning to ignore, or maybe I’m having too much fun just being. It still stings, and that’s okay. I let it. Another reminder that I’m living in the now.  May this serve as a reminder that all we can ever really do is finally embrace that wherever we find ourselves is more than enough.

Because we are more than enough.

~Aisha Yaccino