A Dad’s Journey in the NICU
Someone once said, “A father’s tears and fears are unseen, his love is unexpressed, but his care and protection remain as a pillar of strength throughout our lives.” These words have resonated with me over the last four years as it has for many fathers whose children entered this world filled with challenges.
In 2018, my wife and I welcomed our son Brady into this world in the most unexpected way. We were only 6 months into our pregnancy when my wife started to suffer from high blood pressure and our baby was showing signs of Intrauterine Growth Restriction (IUGR). For several weeks we monitored both her and my son closely to make sure they were okay. As a soon to be first time father and husband, I felt helpless in being able to protect either of them. I simply had to support my wife and reassure her that both of them were going to be alright. Like many men do, I put on my best poker face and continued to champion the positive mentality to help calm my wife down as she panicked about losing our son who she had fought so hard to create.
Like many couples, we had gone through numerous trials of IVF for our baby to be brought into this world. I thought about the countless drives to the clinic, the appointments, the shots and the up and down rollercoaster of praying if it would take. With each attempt our heart broke as the doctor let us know that the egg was not developing as it should. It got to the point where we said…this try is our last. We had gone through so much and the emotional rollercoaster was wearing on us both. I could not take my own pain let alone seeing my wife weep as her dreams of motherhood slowly slipped away. But our prayers were answered and late in 2017 we found out we were having a boy. I was so excited at the prospect of having a son of my own. I pictured taking him to ball games, building forts in the living room and reading books to him every night before bed.
In May of 2018, we were alerted that our son would be delivered soon to not only save my wife’s life but his as well. At this point, he was only 25 weeks gestation and was going to be 15 weeks earlier then expected. Like many parents, I had no clue what to expect. What would he even look like, or would he be able to survive coming so soon? He was coming a full trimester earlier than expected and my initial thought was that this would be a painful end to our story. Another chapter of life filled with heartbreak and loss that would take years if ever to get over.
As I sat next to my wife during the delivery, I was shaking uncontrollably on the inside and in full panic mode. But on the outside, I was a cool as a cucumber because I knew my wife needed me to be that. As men, people think we want to be the stoic guy who shows no emotions in the face of adversity. In many cases though, it is the role we play reluctantly because it is what is needed most and not who we are at the core of our personality. We must be the hero, the villain, the protector, the provider and the lover all in one. When our son was born, I did not hear anything, it felt like you could hear a pin drop in that delivery room before finally our nurse Sam told us, “He has a cute button nose.” We both smiled as they whisked him away into a room nearby.
As many men in the NICU do, I was allowed to see our son before my wife was able to. I watched this beautiful miracle before my eyes as a team of medical staff tried to keep him alive. Each breathe was hand pumped by someone as they worked to connect him to all the little devices that would keep him alive in the coming months. So many emotions flooded over me to the point I felt like I was having an out of body experience. I felt happiness, sadness, fear, worry, excitement and an emotion you normally wouldn’t think in this situation…. guilt. Guilt that after all my wife had endured that I got to see him first and not his mother who fought so hard for him to be born. As each moment passed, I was so nervous that he would pass away without my wife finally being able to see our son.
As I walked upstairs to check on my wife, I did what many of us men do without anyone knowing.... I cried. I broke down so many times in the coming days but always away from my wife. I had to be strong for her even if it killed me. Dads often have to the bare the burdens of everyone else’s pain before our own. It is part of who we are and has been encoded in our DNA for thousands of years. We are protectors and when we cannot protect our children or wives, we feel defeated. We are unable to change places with our babies or wives to take their pain away. So many of us try to make deals with life or God to instead take us in their place. I remember begging God the day we almost lost our son with every part of my soul to take me…take me instead and let him live a beautiful life. But God did not take me or my son that day and I am forever grateful.
Dads in the NICU battle so much- and a lot of it, as I said, is guilt. Guilty when we must go to work, support mom in the way we wanted to or unable to be there for the milestones they reach. We also struggle to communicate with our wives, friends or others about our own pain. There is not a lot of groups dedicated to helping NICU dads or men who need support. Slowly, some have worked to change that in their own ways and hopefully someone reading this might better understand a dad in their life. It is not that we do not care, are not invested or don’t love our families. It is the very opposite. It is more that we rather relieve the burden of the family we love then add more to their life. We need to realize that others can and do want to help remove the weights we carry. That strength is defined by not just overcoming the pain but knowing when to ask for help in fighting it.
~Adam Wood
