A MEETING WITH MY PRE-BIRTH-TRAUMA SELF
I met my younger self for coffee today. The self that didn’t know birth trauma. They sipped their latte with ease, shoulders relaxed, eyes full of light.
They had just gotten married and were talking about their 5 year plan-2-3 kids, a house in the suburbs.
They asked me what I had been up to, and I hesitated. How do you tell someone they will be broken in ways they never imagined? That they will learn what it means to grieve a version of themselves that never got to fully exist? Instead, I smiled. “You wouldn’t believe me if I told you,” I said.
They laughed, carefree in a way I no longer know how to be, And for a moment, I let myself sit in their presence, soaking in their innocence. I wanted to warn them. I wanted to tell them to brace themselves. But I didn’t. Because I know now that no warning could have saved me. No amount of preparation cold have softened what was coming.
But I also know this: they will survive it. They will face the storm head-on, even as it tries to drown them.
So instead, I whispered, “You are stronger than you know, And one day, you’ll understand just how much.”
And then I watched as they walked away light, free, and unknowingly stepping toward the storm. But this time, I didn’t just see their innocence. I saw their courage, too. Even if they didn’t know it yet.